Blokes Don't Talk — And It's Costing Us

Ask most blokes how they’re going and you’ll get one of three answers: “good,” “not bad,” or “can’t complain.” All of which can mean anything from genuinely fine to quietly falling apart. We’ve got a whole vocabulary built specifically to avoid telling the truth, and we’re fluent in it.

I’m not above this. For years my answer to “how are you?” was a reflex — “yeah, good, mate” — fired off before the question had even finished landing. It took me a long time to work out that the reflex was the problem.

Where it comes from

Nobody sat us down and said “never talk about your feelings.” It was taught quieter than that. It was in what got praised — toughness, not needing anyone, sucking it up. It was in the way a crying boy got told to harden up. By the time you’re a grown man, the lesson’s so deep you mistake it for your own personality.

And it half works. Stoicism gets you through a lot. The problem is it’s got no off switch. The same instinct that helps you push through a rough week will help you push through a rough year, and then a rough decade, right up until something gives.

The bill

The statistics on this are grim, and you probably half-know them, so I won’t club you with numbers. I’ll just say it plainly: a lot of men carry everything in silence until they can’t, and far too many don’t make it to the other side of that. The silence isn’t strength. It’s a slow leak we’ve been taught to call strength.

How to actually check on your mates

Here’s the practical bit, because “we should talk more” is useless without it.

• Ask twice. “You good?” gets the reflex. “No, but really — how are you?” sometimes gets the truth. The second ask tells a bloke you actually want the real answer.
• Do, don’t interview. A lot of men open up sideways — over a job, a drive, a beer, a fishing line in the water — far more than they will across a table being asked direct questions. Create the side-on moment.
• You don’t need to fix it. This is the big one. You’re not there to solve his life. You’re there so he’s not carrying it alone. “That sounds heavy, mate” beats a lecture every time.

I’m not asking anyone to suddenly become someone they’re not. I’m just saying the strong, silent thing has a body count, and most of us know someone it’s already cost. Talking won’t fix everything. But it’s the cheapest, simplest thing that actually helps — and we’re terrible at it.

So: how are you actually going? No, really.